Wednesday, 4 March 2009

10 Reasons Why We Must Never Forget 9/11

1. IT REMINDS US WHY WE WENT INTO IRAQ
If we start losing our collective mind and forget about the horrible events of September 11, we will, in turn, forget why in the hell it was we invaded Iraq. In fact, damn: I've already forgotten why we invaded Iraq.

2. LEARNING FROM HISTORY
We need to remember what happened on that fateful day so that we can prevent a similar death toll in the future. My advice for this: only work on the bottom 40 storeys and always take a parachute to work.

3. HONORING THE DEAD
The media has done a great job of ensuring that we never forget their faces, their names or their stories. And that's just the hijackers.

4. IT'S MOBY'S BIRTHDAY
Now personally I hate Moby. He's too articulate and, what's more, professes to be a libertarian. And I can't stand libertarians. Their want of individual freedom is enough to make me shake hands with a democrat. Individual freedom!?! Don't they know we're in a recession? Anyway, we must use 9/11 as a day to insult libertarians.

5. IT JUXTAPOSES NICELY WITH JULY 4
Isn't it about time someone made September 11 a national holiday? We celebrate America's independence on July 4: why not celebrate its demise on 9/11?

6. RUDI GULIANI DOESN'T WANT US TO FORGET
You can't mess with this reason: Rudolph Guliani doesn't want us to forget the appalling tragedy of 9/11. And America's Mayor knows what he's talking about. He ran a whole presidential campaign on the subject.

7. 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB
Ha ha, only kidding. If 9/11 was an inside job what the hell was the motive? Duh, to provide a pretext for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Oh yeah? Well you don't know the Bush Administration like I do: they didn't need a Goddamn pretext.

8. 9/11 IS A STARK REMINDER OF THE FRAILTY OF LIFE
That's right: you don't need cancer for this one. Just take a gander through archival news footage of that morning and prepare to be humbled before Almighty God. The next time you step out of the house it could be you that is killed when a United Airlines plane strikes your office on the 85th floor of a downtown skyscraper.

9. REMEMBERING 9/11 HELPS US TO FORGET ABOUT HURRICANE KATRINA
This might be the biggest reason of all: Remembering 9/11 is a good way of removing Hurricane Katrina from our guilty consciences. I'd much prefer to think about people jumping out of buildings than all the drowning Louisianans I didn't rescue or write a song about.

10. AN ANAGRAM
WORLD TRADE CENTER = LEWD TERROR ACT END
As we know, this particular lewd terror act ended many things. Peoples' lives, the Twin Towers and faith in the aviation industry all came to a head on that unforgettable day.

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