10 Reasons Why We Must Never Forget 9/11

1. IT REMINDS US WHY WE WENT INTO IRAQ
If we start losing our collective mind and forget about the horrible events of September 11, we will, in turn, forget why in the hell it was we invaded Iraq. In fact, damn: I've already forgotten why we invaded Iraq.

2. LEARNING FROM HISTORY
We need to remember what happened on that fateful day so that we can prevent a similar death toll in the future. My advice for this: only work on the bottom 40 storeys and always take a parachute to work.

3. HONORING THE DEAD
The media has done a great job of ensuring that we never forget their faces, their names or their stories. And that's just the hijackers.

4. IT'S MOBY'S BIRTHDAY
Now personally I hate Moby. He's too articulate and, what's more, professes to be a libertarian. And I can't stand libertarians. Their want of individual freedom is enough to make me shake hands with a democrat. Individual freedom!?! Don't they know we're in a recession? Anyway, we must use 9/11 as a day to insult libertarians.

5. IT JUXTAPOSES NICELY WITH JULY 4
Isn't it about time someone made September 11 a national holiday? We celebrate America's independence on July 4: why not celebrate its demise on 9/11?

6. RUDI GULIANI DOESN'T WANT US TO FORGET
You can't mess with this reason: Rudolph Guliani doesn't want us to forget the appalling tragedy of 9/11. And America's Mayor knows what he's talking about. He ran a whole presidential campaign on the subject.

7. 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB
Ha ha, only kidding. If 9/11 was an inside job what the hell was the motive? Duh, to provide a pretext for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Oh yeah? Well you don't know the Bush Administration like I do: they didn't need a Goddamn pretext.

8. 9/11 IS A STARK REMINDER OF THE FRAILTY OF LIFE
That's right: you don't need cancer for this one. Just take a gander through archival news footage of that morning and prepare to be humbled before Almighty God. The next time you step out of the house it could be you that is killed when a United Airlines plane strikes your office on the 85th floor of a downtown skyscraper.

9. REMEMBERING 9/11 HELPS US TO FORGET ABOUT HURRICANE KATRINA
This might be the biggest reason of all: Remembering 9/11 is a good way of removing Hurricane Katrina from our guilty consciences. I'd much prefer to think about people jumping out of buildings than all the drowning Louisianans I didn't rescue or write a song about.

10. AN ANAGRAM
WORLD TRADE CENTER = LEWD TERROR ACT END
As we know, this particular lewd terror act ended many things. Peoples' lives, the Twin Towers and faith in the aviation industry all came to a head on that unforgettable day.

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10 Reasons Why US Troops Should Stay in Iraq

1. IT'S PRETTY MUCH OUR COUNTRY NOW, ISN'T IT?
Okay, okay, so Barack Obama wants to pull all the troops out of Iraq by the end of 2011. That's great for him, but my question is this: Why does he need to? We've been in Iraq now for 6 years! Can't we just claim it as our own country already? It only makes sense when you think about it. We'd never have to offshore our jobs to the Middle East again.

2. WE NEED TO KEEP THE TROOPS IN IRAQ UNTIL THEY ARE READY TO ENTER IRAN
You see, some people are just incapable of thinking long term. In the grand scheme of things, it's better to keep US troops in Iraq just so they'll be ready to enter into combat operations in Iran. I mean, doesn't it seem pointless bringing them all the way back home only to deploy them back onto the streets of Tehran a month later? Yeah, that's what I thought.

3. THE IRAQI PEOPLE DON'T WANT US TO LEAVE
Is anyone actually thinking about what the Iraqi people want? Plain and simple, they want American troops to stay! If we pull the troops out of Iraq, lasting peace will begin to spread across every region and every city, and the Iraqi people are not ready for that yet. I mean, imagine if another country came and altered our normal way of life. We'd be hella pissed off. No, we must respect Iraqi tradition and culture and allow tyranny and chaos to reign on.

4. WE ARE WINNING THE WAR
This is by far the biggest reason to stay: we're so close to winning the war against whoever the hell it is we're fighting, that withdrawing now would be such an unecessary admission of defeat. We ought to fight on, defeat the enemy and then move onto Iran.

5. LEAVING IS WHAT SADDAM WOULD HAVE WANTED US TO DO
If we leave Iraq now, we would most certainly turn Saddam Hussein into a martyr. After all, he didn't want us in Iraq in the first place, and so leaving would grant the dying wish of this brutal dictator. For this reason alone, our troops should stay in Iraq forever and ensure that no tyrannical regime is ever again allowed to rise into power. We might even want to appoint an authoritative figure of our own, just to see that this remains the case.

6. IRAQ COULD BECOME A BREEDING GROUND FOR TOURISTS
If we pull out of Iraq, then the city of Baghdad might end up becoming a breeding ground for tourists. I mean just look at how many holiday goers are attracted to Hanoy (Vietnam) each year. Tourists are a danger to our way of life and, if I had it my way, they'd all be sent on a tour of Guantanamo.

7. BRINGING THE TROOPS HOME WILL BE EXPENSIVE
Seemingly no one has considered this, but bringing the troops home will cost a shitload in air fare. 150,000 men and women travelling to the US from the Middle East (in first class, let's face it), at around $1,800 per person, is gonna cost this country around $270 million. Now I know what you're going to say: but it's costing us more to keep them there. True, but at least we're getting more for our money!

8. SEPTEMBER 11
We must never forget what happened on the morning of September 11, 2001. Three thousand Americans lost their lives that day, and it would be an insult to their memories if we pulled out of Iraq now. But what has 9/11 got to do with Iraq? Did you really just ask that? Have you all forgotten that Mohammed Atta (one of the nineteen hijackers) is slightly suspected of having maybe met with a possible Iraqi consulate in the city of Prague prior to 9/11. Allegedly.

9. DICK CHENEY THINKS WE SHOULD STAY
Look people, if you're still not convinced by the previous 8 reasons then nothing can top this one: Dick Cheney thinks it would be a really bad idea for us to leave Iraq! This guy knows what he's talking about. He and Rumsfeld were the geniuses behind the entire invasion in the first place, and so, just as Americans try to do right by our Founding Fathers, so should Iraqis by their's.

10. AN ANAGRAM... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION = US TEAM SWOOPS, FINDS NO TRACE.
But just because we didn't find WMDs doesn't mean the war wasn't justified. After all, we ousted Saddam Hussein, forced the country to embrace democracy and taught one or two Americans how to find the Middle East on a map.

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10 Reasons Why People Should Lay off George Bush

1. HE WAS JUST A PUPPET
Deep down we all know that Dubya could never have masterminded the two wars in the Middle East, or the so-called downfall of our economy all by himself. He was but a pawn in the maniacal plans of a power much greater than him. And what greater power is there than Almighty God himself? That's right: former Vice President Cheney.

2. THE GUY IS FUNNY
Despite everything this man (or his puppetmasters) have done, George W Bush is actually a really funny guy! No seriously. I'm talking laugh out loud funny here! Alright, granted: No Child Left Behind kind of lacked that killer punchline, and he perhaps milked Operation Iraqi Freedom a bit. But man, did he ever nail it when it came to his stand-up routine. That "Fool Me Once" skit still tickles the bone.

3. HE RESHAPED AMERICA
Say what you like about him, Bush was highly successful in reshaping the landscape of the United States during his 8 year reign. So much so that New Orleans no longer appears on said landscape.

4. BUSH ALWAYS LISTENED TO THE PEOPLE
He might have been unpopular among most Americans, but Bush always tried to listen to the voice of the people. His intricate wiretap program merely provided the means.

5. WE SHOULD WAIT TO SEE WHAT HISTORY DECIDES
A time may still come when Bush, one of the most devisive presidents of all time, will be vindicated by history - or, at least, his own version of history.

6. HE IS A DEVOTED FAMILY MAN
He was (and still is) a sincerely devoted family man. Despite persistent rumors to the contrary, Bush's married life flourished even when former British Prime Minister Tony Blair was in town. It was just a shame that Laura Bush kept getting in the way.

7. HE GAVE GENEROUSLY TO AFRICA
How can we forget his pledge to helping disease-ridden Africans? Despite pressure to fix his own country as well those in the Middle East, Bush still worked around the clock to send AIDS to Africa.

8. HE BROUGHT TERRORISTS TO JUSTICE
Credit where it's due, Bush also worked tirelessly to bring terrorist suspects to justice, making America safer in the process. As with everything else, he had detainees outsourced to Cuba.

9. HE STRENGTHENED DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS
He helped to strengthen diplomatic relations with, among other small islands, Papua New Guinea.

10. 47.87% OF YOU VOTED HIM IN
That's right, if 47.87% of you would have had as much foresight as the 48.38% that voted Al Gore, Bush wouldn't have been elected in the first place. So quit your complaining!

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