10 Reasons Why I Oppose Gay Marriage

1. THE BIBLE SAYS HOMOSEXUALITY IS WRONG

Corinthians 6:9 says "homosexual offenders" are "wicked" and will not "inherit the Kingdom of God". Indeed, the word "homosexual" did not inherit a place in the English lexicon until the late 1800s.

2. HOMOSEXUALS ARE TO BLAME FOR THE DECAY OF AMERICA

Corrupt bankers, corporate monopolies, vile insurance companies, a faulty education system, drug cartels, two costly wars, a huge oil spill, constant congressional bickering and regressive legislation have nothing on Ricky Martin.

3. HOMOSEXUALITY WOULD RUIN THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE

If homosexuals are allowed to marry, this would utterly diminish the sanctity of marriage, which has been proudly held up for generations by the 57% of straight couples who actually stay together.

4. HOMOSEXUALITY IS AGAINST FAMILY

Whichever way you slice it, homosexuals cannot conceive together, which is against the idea of the traditional family - just ask infertile straight couples.

5. PEDOPHILES ARE HOMOSEXUALS

You can't argue with this reason; a pedophile is not just some creepy, socially-maladjusted hermit with complex mental issues dating back to an abusive and unfulfilled childhood; a pedofile is quite simply just gay.

6. HOMOSEXUALITY IS UNNATURAL
Homosexuality is about as natural as dying your hair, getting a fake tan and countless other things we Americans would never do.

7. HOMOSEXUALS HAVE CORRUPTED OUR MUSIC INDUSTRY

You heard me! Gays have corrupted popular music with classic hits like Bohemian Rhapsody, Rocket Man and Everybody Hurts.

8. 'GAY' USED TO BE SUCH A HAPPY WORD

Some people can still remember a time when they could, without fear of ridicule, use the word gay quite freely. But the 1990s are over now.

9. HOMOSEXUALS ORIGINATED AIDS

Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) and Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) were started by a group of homosexuals in the late Seventies - some thirty years after the first strain of HIV was discovered in Congolese chimps.

10 'HOMOSEXUAL' IS AN ANAGRAM OF 'OH, SOUL EXAM'

Need I say more?

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10 Reasons Why I Oppose Gun Control

1. SELF DEFENSE

If the right to bear arms was stripped away from the people, how would we defend ourselves against gun toting maniacs?

2. GUN TOTING MANIACS

How would gun toting maniacs present us with a scenario in which to defend ourselves?

3. POLICE STATE

Gun control will give police unprecedented powers over the people. Particularly those types of people who hold up gas stations.

4. HUNTING

Abolishing the Second Amendment would take the right to shoot deer away from thousands of pro-life hunters.

5. GUNS ARE FUN

Let's face it - guns are just a lot of fun. Whether you're shooting 5 shots into the air at New Year or several rounds into your wife's head, you never get bored of guns!

6. FOOD

Without the right to own weapons, how on Earth does the government expect us to peel a potato?

7. MOVIES

This is perhaps the most important reason; Nicolas Cage would never act again. And all those Mafia movies would be reduced to looking like half-baked remakes of Herbie Rides Again.

8. CRIME RATE

Introducing gun control legislation would see our crime rate reduced to that of evil Socialist countries like England and France.

9. OTHER FIREARMS

We must protect our entitlement to bear other types of firearm, too. This means standing up for the right to own at least three nuclear missiles.

10. 'SECOND AMENDMENT' IS AN ANAGRAM OF 'MADMEN CONSENTED'

Says it all, doesn't it?

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